Letter to Robert VI ~ Fearless Heart
Last night I began to talk about you to a friend and probably monopolised the entire conversation telling stories. Funny stories and sweet stories. I haven’t been able to do that for a while. Finally listening to the past helps me get to know you again, remembering wonderful snatches of our time together: how mischievous you can be, argumentative, distracted, disingenuous. You’re a great bloke: everything a man should be.
I’ve learned so much from you, sweetheart, and I’m still learning. You showed me how I could stand up for myself, you gave me confidence and believed in me, you think I’m clever and funny. I tell you everything knowing you will comfort and never judge, and in return you help me find the strength and assurance to deal with whatever comes my way.
It’s so hard that the situation I’m in now is the very one you can’t help me with, when I need you the most.
You taught me that nothing is black and white, to be careful, selective, taught me to be stronger; and yet I learned you yourself are so sensitive to everything in the world and easily hurt, and brave. You let me in and let me love you with all my heart and nothing matters but that.
What I share with you now are stories: how I’m getting on with my driving and how much I like learning about it; work and how the lads are; and music of course, always music. It’s not close to what we used to share but it’s what we’ve got. I’m learning new songs to play for you so you’re getting me to work, at last.
I talk to you occasionally when I’m at home, at the times I know you’d look at me with that patient blue-eyed gaze, and we’d laugh. We are well-matched in the wits department I think but if you got the upper hand too early, I could always win an argument by tickling you. No contest. You’re very ticklish.
I’ve put my trust in you, Bob, my darling grand passion, and maybe I’m learning how to live a bit of my life again because I’ve done that. And you are my ‘grand passion’: my heart skips a beat every time you look in my direction – still and always. You’re ever able to bring me happiness.
I’ve come to realise of course that you are the person who will now ultimately determine our future. For a while I scrabbled around trying to find something else to do to help you before I realised that’s there’s nothing new left for me to do – it’s all in your hands now.
Knowing you’re comfortable, and will soon be entering a new phase of your life, and that I can see you every day which I look forward to so much, I sometimes buy myself some flowers or pay (a bit more) attention to my appearance – or at least try not to look ‘through-other’. I’ve been playing a lot of guitar at home as well as with you, and I see some friends now and again. For the first time in 16 months I found myself laughing at something on TV, or admiring the view of the sea that I get when I’m on my way to you. Even had a Cadbury’s Crème Egg the other day but I won’t be doing that again – it made my teeth hurt.
I will handle whatever’s next as long as you’re there. I’ve still a lot to learn.